This is the legendary Lost Skeleton, thinking to you from the depths of Cadavra Cave! Yes, you may know me from that classic motion picture The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra! If so, then you no doubt understand that we skeletons possess mental powers far beyond the capabilities of you skin-wearing troglydytes. You are right to fear us.
To prove to you my superiority, I took over the mind of the one called cfc (or "Chuck") and forced him to endure the agony of Fearfest at Kings Dominion. Yes, he put up a valiant struggle, but at last he learned to
Obey the Lost Skeleton!
So, here now are my impressions of Fearfest, mingled with those of this weak-minded organ-and-fluid bag. Four mazes did he endure at Fearfest, and on a scale of 1 (the Lost Skeleton is greatly displeased) to 10 (the Lost Skeleton is amused) did he rate them:
Maze of Madness--Lunatics, mad doctors, and crazed killers abound here, and that's just the usual crowd at PKD! Yet these inmates require only minimum security, so they're housed in a tent (must be budget cuts). Lots of screaming teenagers, but the Lost Skeleton was not so easily frightened. Call it a 6.
Freak Show 3D--don't let this building's outward appearance, that of a Magic Mountain arcade of the 1970s, deceive you, for it is filled with day-glow 3D paintings of freaks, and scareactors who are painted up as though they were going to appear in the credits of a James Bond flick from the Roger Moore era. A few good scares here (the scareactors do work pretty hard). The thrash-metal music is an improvement over the cartoony music of last year. Call it a 6.5.
Blood Shed--Crazed cannibal hillbillies are on the loose, and they've got a hankerin' for big slice of . . . you! This is the best maze at Fearfest, with plenty of props and atmosphere, including a farting horse. Give this one a 7.
Headless Hollow--Yeah, yeah, the Headless Horseman is out to get you, I guess. Pretty weak story here, and the wait for this one was a ridiculous hour and a half! Still, it's a long walk through the woods, with quite a few scareactors, but not that many scares (you can see'em coming too easily). A 6.5, I think.
There's also the redressing of the antique-car ride as the Blue Ridge Bloodbath. What? Cannabalistic hillbilles again? Yep--the Cutler family is out to get you! This is the best attraction at Fearfest, and it has the line to prove it--you'll be waiting a good, solid hour, at least. but it does rate a 7. (Maybe an 8, if you aren't forced to tailgate a carload of idiots who seem incapable of pressing a gas pedal.)
Enough! The Lost Skeleton is bored of your rambling! Time to get to pictures, but I most warn you, fluid secreters: Be prepared for shocking scenes of skeletal abuse!
Yes, soon all will be under my control! My boney brethern will rule the world!
Behold one who learned all too late that he must Obey the Lost Skeleton! He is now my mindless zombie slave!
Yes, the cobwebs and pumpkins draw you organ bags to Fearfest.
The Pumpkin Bride seems displeased with her groom. Perhaps she would be happier as the Mistress of the Lost Skeleton!
Obviously, the proper use of the apostrophe is beyond a witch's power.
Hmm--it seems that the ones known as Jeff and Louise are nearby.
The Grim Reaper says, "Puff away!"
But it appears that the vampire in this crypt could use a nicotine patch.
What! A clown ghoul abusing a skeleton! The Lost Skeleton is outraged! so, I have used my superior mental powers . . .
. . . to hurl them into the Dodgem sign! All clowns now fear the Lost Skeleton!
"All hail the Lost Skeleton!"
Climb, my boney brother! You have nothing to lost but your chains!
It's terror in a tent at the Maze of Madness!
But are you sure that's funnel cake you're eating, you sorry bowel user?
The Blood Shed wins the Lost Skeleton's special Award for Most Terrifying Use of Old Trash Bags!
PKD always has good fearfest themeing...im hopefully going there this weekend..i love it the haunted houses/mazes are fun and pretty scary..but u really only have time for one night time attractiong which sucks
Home Park: Kings Dominion
My last name is Kitchen and I am learning to become a Chef.
Top 5 Coasters: 1. Griffon 2. Kingda Ka 3. El Toro 4. Nitro 5. Valcano
Attention, skin wearers! Pay heed to the Lost Skeleton! Yes, I have more scenes of Fearfest to share with you. My amazing mental powers are even now forcing my zombie slave to post them. Prepare yourselves!
Hmm--as "fleshly" as the one called Elvira is, the Lost Skeleton believes that only 3D could've done her justice!
Yes, after dark this rather relaxing antique-car ride is overrun with hillbilly cannibals! Yes, eat the flesh, but leave the bones to the Lost Skeleton!
This unworthy one cut in line for the flyers. Now he will be forced to watch others snap them for all eternity!
Yes, skin wearers--lament your fate when my boney brothers and I come to dominate this world!
For a time, the Lost Skeleton was convinced that he could live in peace with you organ bags.
Ah, this is what the Lost Skeleton likes! Hot bone-on-bone action!
Damn your blood-pumping hides! How dare you crucify my brethern!
Is there no end to your abominations? My zombie slave will pay for this!
I used my superior mental powers to influence his puny brain to wait 90 minutes for the Headless Hollow maze!
Yes, your bones will be part of my empire soon enough, organ donor!
As my boney brothers burn in hellfire, so shall you all!
As your flesh broils in the fountains of firey lava . . .
. . . don't forget to stop in the giftshop on your way out--and to obey the Lost Skeleton!
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